This Sucks
by Faust VII
Summary: When evil villains (not really) capture pure hearted (mostly) heroes and force them to join their evil (mostly just odd) group. Wild Pairings("I think I love you"). Forgiveness("Die!"). Revenge("pink or blue?"). "I think I'm going to regret this." Pein sighed as he looked at the bleeding Sasuke, the screaming Naruto, and the manically laughing Sakura.
1. Welcome to Akatsuki

_**I DO NOT OWN NARUTO**_

Chapter 1: Welcome to Akatsuki

.-.

"This sucks." Naruto pouted, rattling the chains that bound him to the wall.

"Nh."

"I'm going to die a virgin." Sakura muttered with a sigh.

"You're sixteen." Naruto pointed out.

"So?" Sakura blinked.

Sasuke snickered while Naruto hid a grin. Sakura just looked confused.

"You must be the only virgin out of the rookie nine." Naruto giggled.

Sakura blinked again.

"You aren't?" She asked.

"Nope. What did you think would happen when I went off with Ero-sennin?"

"You mean…" Sasuke started, suddenly looked shocked.

"Yeah." Naruto blinked.

"Oh god, you had sex with Jiraya!" Sakura gaped.

"Huh?!"

"You said-"

"I meant that he led me to all the brothels where his spies were and thought it was his goal to make sure I got laid with a pretty lady!"

"Oh." Sakura sighed, yaoi fantasy popping like a bubble.

"What about you Sasuke?" Naruto asked.

Sakura firmly pressed his lips in a line.

"Ah, come on!" Naruto begged. "Tell us how!"

"…The… fangirls in Oto are much more forwards then those in Konoha." Sasuke admitted.

"…Aren't the fangirls in Konoha the ones who tied you up and tried to have their way with you in your own room but Kakashi saved you… at age twelve?" Naruto blinked.

"More forward then that." Sasuke shuddered.

Naruto and Sakura gave him pitying glances that were soon interrupted by an awkward cough.

"Not that listening to you talk about your sex lives isn't fun and all but can we get back on topic."

All three looked at Hoshigaki Kisame who stood awkwardly to the side.

"What was the topic again?" Naruto blinked.

"I don't think there was one." Sakura said.

"We were talking about how pitiful we are being captured by Akatsuki and all." Sasuke said monotone.

"Oh, yeah." Naruto said thoughtfully, then he made a pouting face. "This sucks."

"You already said that." Sakura sighed.

"Oh. Well then… I'm too pretty to have the Kyuubi sucked out of my gut into a giant statue over a three day period of immense pain that will leave me dead." He sniffled.

"That's actually fairly detailed." Sakura blinked.

"Nh."

Kisame sighed in annoyance.

"Did we say we were going to do that?" He asked.

All three turned their eyes back to him.

"Well, no." Naruto frowned. "But you implied it with all the trying to capture me and stuff."

"Would we have taken the time to capture those two if we were just focusing on you though?" Kisame asked with a raised brow.

All three looked at one another. Naruto was still in his jumpsuit, a scroll on his day's technique from Jiraya in his pocket. Sakura still had her Konoha hospital uniform on, bloody rubber gloves to go with it. And Sasuke still had his Oto uniform on, hair slightly singed from his earlier training.

"You know, this is fairly well planned." Sakura noted. "And you put a lot of effort into getting Naruto from Jiraya and Sasuke from Orochimaru and me from Tsunade."

"Well it wouldn't have been so hard if someone hadn't turned traitor and ran off." Naruto said with a pointed glare.

"Oh, not this again." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "I told you, I needed power."

"And you couldn't get it in Konoha?"

"Not really, no."

Naruto glared.

"Back on topic." Kisame snapped.

"Topic?" Naruto frowned. "What was the topic again?"

"I think the topic is that we were all captured for a reason other than watching you die painfully." Sakura said helpfully.

"Nh." Sasuke voiced.

Kisame twitched. Then he took a deep calming breath.

"We caught you," He started, gaining their attention, "Because we had an offer for you."

"Offer?" Naruto asked suspiciously. "Don't you want to have Kyuubi sucked out of my gut into a giant statue over a three day period of immense pain that will leave me dead?"

"They could be negotiating over that." Sakura offered. "I mean we could be leverage."

"Why would they need leverage though? There are ten S-rank criminals that could hold me down to suck Kyuubi out of my gut into a giant statue over a three day period of immense pain that will leave me dead."

"Can't you drop that?" Sasuke sneered. "They just want to kill you."

"I know, but I don't think it's fair to Kyuubi. I mean would you want to live in a giant statue?"

"Well no." Sakura admitted. "But Kyuubi is also a being of mass destruction and evil."

"Kyuubi takes offence to that." Naruto sniffed. "He prefers the term God of Chaos, not being of mass destruction and evil."

"Same thing." Sasuke shrugged.

Kisame gave a shuddering sigh.

"Can't I just give you my offer?" He pleaded.

They all looked at him once again.

"Offer?" Naruto asked suspiciously. "Don't you want to have Kyuubi-"

"You already said that." Sasuke pointed out.

"Oh. What offer then?" Naruto asked.

"We wanted you three to join Akatsuki." Kisame said bluntly.

There was a long moment of silence.

"You know." Sakura said after a long moment. "When I wake up I really have to get myself checked at the medical center. Dreams like this aren't normal."

"Nh." Sasuke agreed.

"I don't know." Naruto said sheepishly. "This seems pretty normal for my dreams."

They both raised brows at him.

"You dream about people out to kill you asking you to join them?" Sakura asked.

"Well sometimes." Naruto said.

"And how does that make you feel?" Sakura asked kindly.

"Well sometimes," Naruto started relaxing into his chains, "I'm honoured. I mean S-class criminals asking you to join them? That's great praise for your skills coming from them. Sometimes I'm insulted though. I mean they're asking me to throw my morals away for them as if I was the type of person that would do so."

"And why do you think you have these dreams?" Sakura asked.

"Well-"

"Enough!" Kisame yelped. "This isn't a therapy session!"

"How would you know what one sounds like?" Naruto asked suspiciously.

Kisame stayed oddly silent.

"Anyways." Sasuke said gaining attention. "What's the _real_ offer?"

"Offer, what offer?" Naruto asked.

"The one Hoshigaki-san wanted to give us." Sakura said.

"Offer?" Naruto asked suspiciously. "Don't you want to have Kyuubi-"

"Shut-up! Shut-up! Shut-up!" Kisame screamed.

Then he turned and strode from the room. Slamming the door behind him the three stayed silent in their grey cell.

"I wonder what the actual offer was." Sakura mused.

Sasuke snorted.

.-.

Ten minutes later a much calmer Kisame returned.

"The offer." He said firmly.

They all looked at him.

"Offer?" Naruto asked suspiciously. "Don't you want to have Kyuubi-"

Kisame slapped a piece of duck-tape over his mouth.

"Good job." Sasuke grunted.

"It won't last long though." Sakura shook her head. "He's already trying to lick the glue away. If that doesn't work he'll just eat it."

Kisame shuddered but took a deep breath.

"The offer we wished to make was to have you join us as I said before."

"Well if this is on the odd chance not a dream," Sakura started, "I would have to say hell no."

"Uchiha?"

"No."

Kisame sighed.

"We asked you because you're all strong in your own right. All of you have been trained by a Sannin. One of you has a bloodline, the other has the Kyuubi, and the last…"

He glanced at Sakura who waited patiently.

"Anyways, "He continued ignoring her glare, "We wanted you to join us. To sweeten the deal we would train you some and you would be your own team after you are accepted and trusted fully."

"Still a resounding no." Sakura shrugged.

"As an extra positive," He sighed, "We would sign a neutral treaty with Konoha. If you say no we'll target Konoha specifically."

Sakura winced. Say no and have Konoha targeted or take the deal that was now obviously a good deal. Naruto would probably say yes. She could already see him thinking on the offer.

"Those nitwits will now say yes." Sasuke shrugged, "But still a no for me. You employ my clan-murdering older brother who I've sworn to kill."

Kisame rubbed at his eyes, tired of dealing with the trio.

"Itachi will…apologize."

"I don't care."

"He will also make you some…ginger snaps as an apology."

Sasuke froze. Sakura and Naruto paused to raise brows at him. You could almost see his thoughts. Revenge or ginger snaps?

With a slurp Naruto ripped the duck tape away and idly chewed on it under Kisame's disgusted expression.

"I didn't know you had a weakness for ginger snaps." Naruto said aloud.

Sasuke winced.

"If I had I would have used them in all the traps I've made to try and get you to return."

"If we had known he probably wouldn't have left in the first place." Sakura pointed out.

"I bet Orochimaru knew. The bastard probably used that weakness." Naruto frowned.

They both ignored Sasuke's mutterings of 'Itachi's are the best' and 'Won't ever eat the ones Orochimaru made ever again' and 'Will make Kabuto the main cook for my clan once I restore it, his are good'.

"Itachi said he would also finish training you as he promised." Kisame added.

"Fine." Sasuke grumbled. "But tell him he has to make me four dozen gingersnaps."

Kisame rolled his eyes. Seeing Naruto's odd expression he quickly added something he knew would draw the orange boy in.

"One of our members, Tobi, is a world class ramen chief."

"I'm in! Oh God, I'm in!" Naruto salivated.

Sakura winced and gave a heartfelt sigh that Kisame almost sympathized with.

"Fine. I'm in."

Kisame gave a sigh of relief and left them in the cell to go tell Pein the _good_ news.

.-.

.-.

"They said yes." Kisame announced as he stepped into the room.

"Who said yes, un?" Deidara blinked along with most of the other members.

Kisame ignored him to look to Pein.

"Good. Bring them in."

"Before I do that I would like to say I think this is a bad idea." Kisame sighed.

"Why?" Pein asked with a raised brow.

"They're all insane and they're teenagers."

"Aren't those two words synonyms?" Sasori snorted.

"I mean more insane than usual."

"What teens?" Hidan scowled.

"Kisame and Itachi have brought in three teens I wish to make members." Pein idly said. "Now please bring them in."

Kisame grumbled and hurried from the room. Five minutes later he stepped back in.

"So this is the main chambers of your secret lair of doom?" Came an interested voice from the hallway.

"I don't think it's that secret." Came a second voice that was obviously female. "I mean when I looked out the window I saw a bunch of people walking the streets below."

"I know but it could be even secret from them." The first pointed out.

"Nh." Was a third's reply.

Into the room stepped three teenagers all sixteen or so. One was glaringly familiar. Said glaringly familiar boy eyed them all.

"Wow, Akatsuki's a bunch-"

"Don't say that." Admonished the second.

"You're thinking it too though." He accused.

"But I'm polite enough not to voice it aloud." She said easily.

"Well I still think they're a bunch of freaks and I'm not going to hide it. I mean a half shark, a half plant, a bored red head sitting on something resembling a giant hunch back, a creepy orange haired man with hundreds of piercings, a girl with hair as blue as yours is pink, a blonde playing with clay using mouths on his hands, Uchiha Itachi, someone with a cool orange mask, someone with eyes that look extra creepy and looks to be held together by millions of stitches, and an albino with no shirt on."

"Isn't that the Kyuubi boy?" Kakuzu asked thoughtfully looking at the blonde in the glaring orange jumpsuit, and conveniently ignoring the boy's description of them. "He agreed to join?"

"Why yes, I hold the Kyuubi." Naruto said haughtily. "But I have a name you know. It's Naruto. And I'm mostly over the whole you want to have Kyuubi sucked out of my gut into a giant statue over a three day period of immense pain that will leave me dead."

"Mostly?" the second figure asked.

The second figure was a girl that looked to have been pulled straight from a hospital wearing a white nurse's outfit under a white lab coat and wearing a pair of bloody latex gloves. She had bright pink hair pulled back in a short low ponytail.

"Yes, mostly." The blonde sniffed. "I mean, they have ramen."

"Hail ramen!" Tobi said seriously.

"Hail Ramen." Naruto responded solemnly.

They both gave respectful nods that left everyone staring.

"Now Ramen's a cult." Came a sneering voice.

The third figure was wearing an outfit that was generally regarded as 'Oto's with spiky black hair and a familiar face.

"Oh Hidan's God." Deidara yelped. "An Itachi clone, un!"

Kisame snorted.

"Hello foolish little brother." Itachi stood calmly.

"Itachi." Sasuke hissed. "You'd better have those ginger snaps by tomorrow or I'll kill you in your sleep."

"You're far too predictable foolish little brother. I already have the ginger snaps made." Itachi said, a sight smirk upturning his lips.

Sasuke made a sound of outrage.

"Damn you for predicting me! You knew I would join!"

"Of course. Your weakness to Ginger Snaps is something I will always exploit."

Sasuke hissed at him.

"Wow, that was dramatic." The girl rolled her eyes.

"Let them keep going." Kyuubi boy grinned. "I want to see if they'll start fighting."

Pein cleared his throat and all attention honed in on him.

"Would you please introduce yourselves?"

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto!" Naruto leapt forwards declaring boldly. "I'm going to be Hokage and I love everything to do with ramen!"

"Hail Ramen!" Tobi responded.

"Hail Ramen." Naruto nodded in response.

"I'm Haruno Sakura. I specialize in medic-jutsus and chakra control." She smiled sweetly. "I hate morons. So I'm watching you Blondie."

She sent a glare at Deidara that made Sasori smirk and Hidan snicker.

"You too naked boy." She glared at Hidan.

He spluttered before Sasuke stepped up.

"Uchiha Sasuke. I'm here for the promised gingersnaps and to make my older brother's life a living hell."

"You're welcome to try." Itachi said monotone.

"Good, good." Pein announced. "Kisame show them to their room."

"Yes sir." Kisame sighed, trudging from the room.

"Wait a minute." Naruto yelped. "We share our room?"

"All partners do." Pein nodded. "There will be three spaces in your room divided by a wall with an open arch way. It's to bond."

"If we aren't out by morning." Sakura said seriously. "I've killed them both in their sleep and will be experimenting on their bodies."

"But Sakura!" Naruto whined. "That might let Kyuubi out!"

"We've already went over this." The girl sneered. "Jiraya has told you your death will not release him so that threat isn't going to work."

"The ginger snaps." Sasuke interrupted.

Itachi tossed him a Ziploc bag.

"There is the first dozen. You will have the rest tomorrow foolish little brother."

Sasuke muttered something as he hunched over the cookies and followed Kisame, the other bickering after him.

"Why do I get the feeling this was a mistake?" Pein muttered.

Konan patted his shoulder in reassurance.

.-.

**END OF CHAPTER ONE**

_**Hope you enjoyed the start of the new Naruto story I'm working on **_ _**. Before I get a bunch of emails and questions about pairings, ideas, and such, I want to say I know **_exactly_** where this is going and how I'm getting it there. I have it all planned out (even the pairings) so even though it's nice to hear ideas, don't expect me to incorporate them.**_

_**Thanks.**_


	2. Madara the Nut

**Note: this story has been reread a few times but never really edited. Please live with it ****.**

**Semi-Spoliers about Madara but not really.**

_Chapter 2: 'Madara the Nut'_

.-.

"Whoo!" Naruto grinned. "This place is awesome."

He scrambled onto his bed which was draped in a large orange blanket and an orange pillow. The walls around him were a blue that matched his eyes. There was a dresser, a closet, and a small desk crammed into the good sized room with a window overlooking the dreamy city of metal and pipes. Orange curtains framed the window.

Naruto poked his head through the arch into Sakura's area. It was a brilliant jade green color with a red draped bed and curtains. She had the same furnishings as him but with an extra shelf. Sasuke's was the same but a deep Sharingan red with a black bed and an extra table like desk instead of a shelf like Sakura. There was also a door leading into a fair sized white and black bathroom with a shower, toilet, and three sinks on a counter.

"Itachi decorated it." Kisame said from the door leading back into the hall.

"Itachi decorates?" Naruto grinned.

"When he wants." Kisame shrugged. "I think he just gets bored. Spends his free time reading magazines. He's a good interior decorator. Now, I'm going to bed. See ya."

Then he left.

"Huh, he was a bit a subdued wasn't he?" Naruto said.

"He did have to deal with you for over an hour." Sakura pointed out. "That gets anybody down.

"Are saying I have problems?" He sniffed, mock insulted.

"Not counting your ADD?" She raised a brow.

"I do not have AD- Heeeeyyyyyy! Is that a sword?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. He hadn't even done that intentionally just to mess with her. She glanced at what had distracted him though and saw Sasuke was laying a sword under his pillow.

"It is my favourite weapon." Sasuke said simply.

"I like to think Kage bunshin is my favourite weapon." Naruto grinned.

Sasuke snorted.

"I like scalpels." Sakura smiled. "They're always so sharp and delicate. And they're so good for cutting into flesh. You can cut cleanly with them. They're also kind of discreet. I mean who's expecting the cute harmless doctor to suddenly jump up and stab you with a scalpel? I'll be all like: Hah hah! Stabbed ya bitch! Bet you didn't expect that did ya!? Didn't expect the cute pink haired girl to suddenly jab a cold metal scalpel in your exposed throat, did ya?! Mwhahahahaha!"

Naruto edged back to his room and slipped under the cover deciding it was time to sleep. Sakura was obviously a bit loose at the moment and he didn't want to attract her attention. Sasuke quickly followed his example as Sakura cackled over her bloody gloves.

.-.

Naruto woke to his stomach grumbling. He whined softly and poked his head from his den of orange blankets. He tentatively looked around and saw no movement and little light. It was raining outside. He slunk from bed and into the bathroom where he ducked under a spray of water for only a few minutes before pulling his clothes on. Slipping from the darkened room he hurried down the hall having no idea where he was going. Coming to a junction he froze as he was hit with a heavenly smell.

"Ramen?" he slobbered bolting after the tantalizing scent.

He found the source only moments later as he slid into a cheery yellow and green kitchen. The orange masked Ramenite from the night before was cooking a huge pot of ramen.

"Hail Ramen." Naruto grinned out his greeting.

Said man spun.

"Hail ramen." He replied. "You're Naruto?"

"Yup!" Naruto grinned. "Are you the world class ramen chef Kisame mentioned?"

"Oh Kisame gives Tobi too much credit." The masked boy stuttered happily.

"Not by the smell of it." Naruto salivated. "Can I have some?"

"When it's finished." Tobi agreed. "So why did you join Akatsuki?"

"Well they gave me an offer I couldn't really say no to. The clincher was mentioning you, the ramen chef, though."

"Oh Tobi helped bring in a new member! Wait till Tobi tells Zetsu! Tobi is a good boy!"

"How did you come to join Akatsuki?" Naruto asked.

"Funny story." Tobi giggled. "See Tobi used to be a man named Madara…"

.-.

"Naruto." Sakura called as she stepped into the kitchen. "Did you have your ramen for breakfast?"

"Yup." Naruto nodded from where he sat at the table.

Sasuke slunk in behind Sakura muttering under his breath as he jammed cookies in his mouth from the Ziploc bag.

"You got to hear Tobi's story!" Naruto perked up. "He used to be this nut named Uchiha Madara who wanted to destroy the moon with the captured Bijuu to become a god. But then, like all the members in Akatsuki figured it out and ganged up on him and totally whooped his ass. Then they like exorcised him from Tobi's body as Tobi's body used to be this guy named Obito who was half crushed by boulders. Madara, nutty as he was, fixed Obito up and then took over his body kind of like Orochimaru. When he was exorcised he left behind a bunch of his memories and experience with Tobi and his leaving awakened some of Obito's memories. Tobi says he's a bit loopy from the mix but he's enjoying being in control of his actions now."

Sakura blinked once. Then twice. Sasuke had paused his cookie eating only for a moment. After Naruto finished his story ate at a quicker pace, brows furrowed in thought.

"I think I need coffee before I deal with this." Sakura said. "And breakfast. Is there any ramen left?"

"Yup! I asked Tobi to save some for you. It's the best I've ever tried so you have to have some."

"Ramen again, un?" Deidara muttered as he stepped into the room.

Tobi and Naruto sniffed at his insult to ramen.

"Make your own breakfast then senpai." Tobi sulked.

The blonde made for the fridge and removed a large chunk of cheese, biting into it as he poured some coffee with Sakura.

"Daily caffeine, un?" He asked with a grin.

"Yes. I need it." Sakura agreed.

Sasori and Pein wandered into the kitchen less than a second later talking softly of a mission. They both sat at the kitchen table and Pein pulled free a scroll as they huddled over it. Sakura grabbed two bowls of ramen sliding one to Sasuke who sat down beside Tobi, staring at the masked man intently.

"Ramen for breakfast?" The blue haired woman Konan, questioned as she swept into the room. "I expected it of Tobi because he's been here a while and of Uzumaki-san because of his file, but you also Haruno-san?"

"You don't spend time with Naruto as your team-mate without getting a taste." Sakura shrugged.

Then to the disgust of most who watched she dumped the broth in Naruto's emptying bowl and poured her coffee in instead. She stirred it around letting the coffee soak into the noodles. Then she took a large bite.

"Ugh." Deidara wrinkled his nose at the concoction.

"What? I like it." Sakura sneered.

Slowly it seemed the rest of the members floated down into the kitchen over a length of time, everyone fending for themselves food wise.

"Is everyone here in the secret base of doom all the time?" Naruto asked Pein who had sat beside him.

"Mostly. Unless they have a mission or something else to do. It's safest here. We control the city after all."

"Really?" Sakura perked up. "Where are we anyway?"

"Ame." Konan answered.

"Cool. Never been here." Naruto grinned. "Can I go exploring?"

"If you don't try to escape." Pein shrugged.

"Don't really want to." Naruto shrugged. "This is a great break from Jiraya and I'm pretty much over the whole have Kyuubi sucked out of my gut into a giant statue over a three day period of immense pain that will leave me dead plan from before. So I really don't see you as the enemy anymore."

"Are we allowed to write to our Hokage?" Sakura asked. "I mean she's probably freaking out."

.-.

Elsewhere in Konoha.

.-.

"Where the fucking hell is my apprentice?!" Tsunade roared as she threw a desk through the wall.

"We're searching Hokage-sama." An ANBU tried to calm her.

"Not hard enough!" Tsunade hissed. "She was kidnapped from the hospital in broad daylight by a man resembling Hoshigaki Kisame! I want her found yesterday!"

She grabbed the ANBU and threw him out the whole in her wall created by the earlier thrown desk.

"Get to work finding her or I'll rip your balls off!"

"Your apprentice was stolen too?"

Tsunade spun to find Jiraya sitting in her windowsill.

"Use the fucking door!" She yelled. "That's what it's made for!"

"Sheesh, calm down." He grumbled.

"Wait… what do you mean your apprentice was stolen _too_." Tsunade said in a dangerous voice.

"Um... nothing?" Jiraya squeaked. "I mean there's no way the toad I summoned to watch Naruto's training saw Uchiha Itachi knock the boy out and carry him away."

Tsunade looked like she was breathing fire. Jiraya had never seen anything so terrifying.

"So I guess you aren't responsible for Uchiha Sasuke's abduction then?"

The two spun to find Kabuto standing in the open doorway.

"Someone finally uses the door and it's the enemy." Tsunade muttered.

"What was that about the Uchiha?" Jiraya tried to ask calmly.

Kabuto tossed a scroll at them then vanished in a plume of smoke. Tsunade hesitantly opened it.

_Dear Konoha,_

_If that brat Uzumaki has stolen Uchiha Sasuke from me, I'd like him returned. If it was not said brat who stole him from me then please disregard this letter. _

_Orochimaru_

"I'm betting Akatsuki grabbed the boy." Jiraya pondered. "What does Akatsuki want with those three though?"

"Other then Kyuubi?" Tsunade hissed.

"Other then Kyuubi. If they wanted just Kyuubi they would only have gathered Naruto to have the Kyuubi sucked out of his gut into a giant statue over a three day period of immense pain that would leave him dead."

Tsunade looked ready to blow at the detailed response.

.-.

Back to Ame

.-.

"I have the oddest feeling that Jiraya is about to get murdered." Naruto blinked.

"What?" Sasuke snorted.

"Do you have fine honed Jiraya-senses?" Sakura snickered.

"Uh huh. They go off when he does something that's not the smartest and when he's in danger." Naruto nodded.

"Why'd you develop those senses?" Sakura blinked.

"Usually if he's in trouble we have to run or he drags me in too. When I get the feeling I usually hide out for a few hours."

"Huh, you learn something new everyday."

**.-.**

**End of Chapter Two**

**AU: And to those up in arms about how I made Madara/Obito/Tobi, well all I can say is I made him to fit my story. More will be either explained or created later.**


	3. I Don't Speak Snob

_**Chapter 3**_

_**I Don't Speak Snob**_

.-.

"Is it always this rainy?" Sasuke muttered around a cookie.

"Yes." Konan answered.

The blue haired woman had helped them out of the maze of halls that made up the large apartment like building their base was in. The three had wandered off to explore after breakfast and got lost, loosing all hope of survival till Konan had shown up on their path.

"I'm staying in." Sasuke said simply, glaring disgustedly at the rain.

"Ah, come on Sasuke!" Naruto whined.

"No. I have to keep an eye on Itachi. He still has not given the promised three extra dozen ginger snaps."

"You managed to make one dozen last as long as you have?" Sakura asked in surprise. "You haven't stopped cramming them in your mouth since you got them."

"Nh."

"Sorry, I can't understand snob." She sniffed.

"He said 'it's a talent'." Naruto translated absently.

She turned to give him an incredulous look but he had already vanished into the rain to go explore the new city. Sasuke slunk off leaving Sakura alone with Konan.

"Why is it always raining?" She asked.

"Pein has a jutsu that allows him to sense anything the rain hits."

Sakura stared in amazement.

"A jutsu on that level." She murmured in awe. "Wow, he's strong, but imagine how much a pervert he is."

.-.

"Yo, squirt."

"Don't call me a squirt." Naruto automatically snapped.

He looked up to find Kisame with a towel and a basket in his arms.

"What is that for?" he blinked.

"We have a natural hot springs attached to this building."

"Cool." Naruto grinned.

"Want to go?"

"I'll go grab the others."

Then he was gone. He found Sakura in record time in their room hovering over a letter she was writing while he found Sasuke sharpening his sword in the same room.

"Want to go for a dip in the hot springs?" he grinned

"Hot springs?" Sakura perked up.

In a flash she had grabbed a towel and was next to him. Sasuke also retrieved a towel and they followed him to where he had left Kisame. Kisame then led them through the maze of halls to the first floor. They soon found themselves in the entrance to a natural spring that had been modernize by the wooden locker room and the underwater benches. Naruto spotted the red head Sasori already in the steaming water. Kisame ducked into the locker room and started to strip, Sasuke following. Naruto made to do so then paused and looked back at Sakura.

He was shocked to see her stripping already.

"Sakura?" he squeaked, only after taking a good long look at what he had loved before she had it.

She had a pretty hourglass shape that she'd actually _hidden_ a bit of under her nurses uniform (Which she hadn't taken off till now) and good B-cup breasts. No fat either, only well toned muscles. She wasn't the most beautiful he had seen by any long shot but she was really quite pretty. And the fact he was finally seeing his former crush nake, well, all power in his brain had shut down momentarily.

Naruto noted that Sasuke and Kisame were also gaping at the impromptu strip show she had given.

"What?" Sakura asked folding her clothes with a confused expression.

"When I heard Naruto bringing you down I thought you'd bolt once you realized it was a co-ed spring." Kisame said in a slightly strangled voice.

"Why?" She blinked. "Male anatomy is all the same except for small details that differ for each person. You're no different than my male patients at the hospital. And I know you've all seen a naked female body so why would I run?"

Kisame seemed stunned by such a reply.

"You used to have this thing called modesty." Sasuke choked out.

"Don't I? I mean I would never walk around naked but this is a hot springs, I'm expected to be naked."

"But before you used to blush at any guy who had no shirt on let alone naked." Naruto added trying to work out this new Sakura.

He could still remember seeing a flash of stomach and hearing her scream her rage before a fist had been slamming into his skull. He winced at the remembrance of pain and decided he liked this one much more.

"Oh yeah. I did that until I became Tsunade's apprentice. She didn't want me blushing at the naked body or technical terms so she, in her words, desensitized me." Sakura blinked at them

Naruto whimpered.

"Why are you still a virgin then." He asked. "I mean I thought you were still one because you were to shy or something."

She blinked.

"While I know the act of sex can be pleasurable, and is something I even dream of, I've been far too busy with the hospital and it is just an act of reproduction. I saw no need to pursue it at the time."

Naruto sighed despairingly

"I knew me and Sasuke were messed up a long time ago, but it seems the ninja life has got to Sakura too."

She just blinked and set her neatly folded clothes in a cubby hole before heading for the springs. Kisame and Sasuke followed at a bit of a distance. Naruto quickly tore his own clothes off, tossing them in a pile before running to catch up.

Sasori, who had been sitting in the springs, back to them, gave the best reaction Naruto had ever seen to seeing Sakura bend down to slip into the water next to him.

He'd been drinking a glass of something and had just taken a sip when she leaned over testing the water giving him a very good frontal view. He had spit put all his drink in a fine mist before choking violently on the rest. Sakura had seen his predicament, but not understanding the reason, had slipped into the water, walking right up close to him making him choke even more. Then she'd rested her hand on his throat and it lit green, clearing his air way.

"You okay?" She asked not backing up.

He gave a single curt nod and took another swallow.

"I was… not expecting that." Sasori voiced lowly.

"Us either." Kisame muttered.

The rest of the time was spent a bit less awkwardly. Sasori had no problem with eyeing Sakura outright and enjoying the view while Kisame just swam to the opposite side of the pool, muttering something under his breath about 'crazy' and not catching it. Naruto and Sasuke both relaxed after a while realizing that they didn't really care. Naruto half enjoyed the view while fooling around, mostly by splashing everyone, and Sasuke just relaxed into the water not caring at all.

.-.

"Hey Itachi, whatcha doin?" Naruto asked as he found Itachi in the kitchen baking.

"Ginger snaps."

"Why?"

"Sasuke."

"To blackmail him?"

"Nh."

Naruto interpreted the 'Nh' and grinned widely.

"Ahhhh, Itachi, do you still see Sasuke as your cute little brother?"

"Yes."

"So I'm guessing the whole 'Uchiha massacre' isn't exactly your fault?"

Itachi turned to stare at him.

"When…" He paused. "Did you get so smart?"

"What?! I guessed right?! It's not your fault?!" Naruto yelped in shock.

Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Come. I'll teach you."

"How to make Ginger Snaps?"

"Yes."

"No thanks."

"_Come_."

"Yes sir." Naruto squeaked at the spinning mangekyo.

.-.

"You guys hungry?" Sakura asked.

Sasuke nodded only once cramming another ginger snap in his mouth. Itachi had given him the promised three extra dozen. Only Naruto knew Itachi had about another twelve dozen frozen and hidden to bribe the boy with later. Naruto himself had a few dozen put away. His weren't too bad if he did say so himself… didn't say so himself? Say to himself. Say himself. Himself so said. Hmmm, that would require more pondering.

"Yeah, I'm starved!" Naruto yelled as he dismissed the other subject.

"Let's go grab something to eat then." Sakura nodded.

"Whoo! You cook though Sakura."

"Why me?" She asked.

"Because I bought the groceries."

"You did?"

"Yup. Talked to Konan for a while. Everyone has their own cupboard of food and they're in charge of their own food. We all share the pots and pans and stuff. You can share if you want but no one really does."

"Ah." Sasuke smirked.

"You take that back you bastard! I can so cook!"

"Nh."

"Yes I can! I just don't want too!"

Sasuke just smirked as Naruto simmered. Sakura just shrugged their communication off and headed for the kitchen. Inside they found Tobi making a large sandwich.

"Hi Tobi!" Naruto waved wildly even though they were only a few feet away.

"Hi Naruto!" Tobi waved just as enthusiastically.

"Making a sandwich?" Naruto asked.

"Yup. You getting dinner too?"

"Yup."

Sakura was already opening the cupboard that Naruto had labelled in bright orange paint as theirs. Now that she looked she saw most of the cupboards and drawers were labelled. Opening the three doors that were theirs she found them crammed with food.

"Did you put the perishables in the fridge?" She asked.

There was a huge fridge sitting in the corner.

"Nope." Naruto shook his head. "I put them in a storage scroll. One of the ones made to hold perishable foods for up to a week."

He pointed to said scroll tucked at the edge of the cupboard. She unrolled it and found neat seals arranged on the scroll labelling what was stored and such.

"Did you make this yourself?" She asked curiously amazed.

"Well yeah. I was with Jiraya for three years and he's a seal master. You pick a few things up."

"I'm impressed." Sakura smiled despite herself.

"Thanks." Naruto blushed.

"And I'm impressed you didn't just buy ramen." Sasuke smirked.

"Hail ramen." Tobi said as he gathered up his sandwich.

"Hail ramen." Naruto returned, shooting a glare at Sasuke. "And I did, it's in that scroll over there."

There was a second scroll that Sakura guessed had at least a year's supply of instant ramen.

"Have you had your daily dose?" She asked.

"Yeah, I had some a while ago."

"Good. Make sure you have it every day with me around or I'll sedate you until you can eat it."

"Yes ma'am."

"Daily dose?" Sasuke asked with a raised brow.

"I got access to his medical records and looked them over." Sakura said. "Ever wonder why no one tried to curb his ramen eating habits and why he could eat so much?"

Sasuke shrugged.

"Well it seems that the seal that keeps the Kyuubi in ties their souls together in a way so that he can't break free without dying. But with their souls tied together the Kyuubi can experience things through some of Naruto's senses, like his sight, his hearing and his taste. At the first taste of ramen Kyuubi became as addicted as Naruto, but a bit more extreme. Ramen to Kyuubi is like cat nip to a cat."

"Yeah, after Ramen he always natters on." Naruto sighed. "Wants me to go fight a bunch of people, or invade a Village, or find lots of vixens."

"Anyways, Kyuubi has some access to Naruto's own souls as his is tied to it. Not a large enough degree to ever do much, but he can make Naruto hyper and make his body a bit twitchy. Unless Kyuubi gets a certain amount of ramen a day he messes with Naruto's body to a degree making Naruto very, very hyper. Combine that with Naruto's ADD and pranks and you've got chaos."

"Wow." Sasuke blinked. "That explains so much about you."

"Hey!"

"Anyways, what do you want for dinner?" Sakura asked.

"Pancakes!" Naruto said excitedly.

"Sasuke?"

"Ginger Snaps."

"Pancakes it is."

Sasuke made a disgruntled noise at being shrugged off.

.-.

"Hey Sakura." Naruto called.

"Yes Naruto?" Sakura asked as she stripped and slid into bed.

"Did you send the letter today?"

"Yes. I sent it out with one of my slugs after our dip in the hot springs."

"What about you Sasuke? Did you send a letter to Orochimaru?"

"Hn."

.-.

In Konoha

.-.

…_.And so we've joined Akatsuki at the threat of Konoha being targeted if we didn't._

_Love Sakura and Naruto_

_P.S. Please send me some more medical scrolls to study_

_P.S.S. Hey granny! Guess what, they have a world class ramen chef here! _

Tsunade slammed her head down on the table as Jiraya took the letter from her.

"Hmm, interesting." He frowned.

"They joined Akatsuki." Tsunade whimpered.

"Huh? Oh, I meant the doodle in the bottom. The one of giant needle with a smiley face skewering a frog and snake that Naruto obviously draw. Think they're getting along?"

Tsunade just whimpered again.

.-.

In Oto

.-.

"Damn them!" Orochimaru raged ripping the scroll in his hands into confetti.

"Perhaps we can lure Sasuke-sama back with Ginger Snaps, Orochimaru-sama?" Kabuto suggested.

"It won't work." Orochimaru seethed. "Sasuke wrote that he wouldn't be bribed by them as his brother makes the best."

He paced the floor, Kabuto watching absently.

"I've got a plan." He announced. "I want you to go track down the best Ginger Snap recipe you can find. Then you will return and make as many as you can. Then we'll put them in a pit and lure Sasuke to them. When he gets trapped we'll grab him and high tail it back here before any Akatsuki members come to retrieve him. Then we'll put him through some intense training, I'll kick his ass a few times, and we'll show him we can give him more power. Yes, it's genius."

Orochimaru cackled for a moment.

"He sounds like he's having fun with Naruto-kun and Sakura-chan though." Kabuto said.

"Hmm. We'll lure them here too." Orochimaru shrugged. "They could be good assets and that'll really piss off both Akatsuki and my old team-mates. Add a ramen recipe to your quest along with some rare medical scrolls. Hmm. Yes, it's a good idea. The Kyuubi boy is quite powerful and he has the most powerful Bijuu. And if that Haruno girl is developing like Tsunade I definitely wouldn't mind having her around."

Orochimaru giggled while Kabuto just sighed. Where had people gotten the idea that he was a gay pedophile when the man was as much of a pervert as Jiraya over women?

.-.

**End of Chapter 3**

**Hope you're enjoying the story so far. Sorry for the sporadic updates **


	4. Multiple Personality Disorder

_**Chapter 4**_

_**Multiple Personality Disorder**_

.-.

"You guys are up late." Pein remarked as Team seven slipped into the kitchen for breakfast. Everyone else was sitting around the large table and eating or talking or something.

"We would have been here earlier but Naruto wanted to tell us all about some weird dream he had." Sakura scowled.

"It as awesome!" Naruto squealed. "I was like kick-ass king of the world and the Ramenites were my council of advisors and we'd made ramen the traditional food. And then I ordered a lake of ramen be made and then I ate it all along with Kyuubi."

"Hail Ramen." Tobi said over the din.

"Hail ramen." Naruto returned.

Naruto skittered over to Tobi as Sakura took a seat next to the red head Sasori who eyed her with a smirk. Sasuke sat beside Itachi hissing at him like an angry cat. Itachi gave him a deadpanned look.

"Did you explore the whole building yesterday?" Pein asked idly as if he really didn't care one little bit but asked because he was bored.

"Yes." Sakura answered seeing as Tobi and Naruto were hunched over a vat of ramen while Sasuke was still hissing at his brother. "I quite enjoyed the hot springs."

"Yes," Sasori said in bored amusement. "I did too."

"Something happened in the springs?" Pein blinked, actually taking note.

A few others were listening in, having nothing better to do.

"Sakura-san here is missing something you would call modesty." Sasori smirked.

Pein blinked.

"Modesty?"

"Tsunade, the Sannin and her teacher," Kisame interrupted, "'Desensitized' her to the naked body and sex. Also took away her modesty. She didn't see what was wrong when she stripped in front of use and swam in the hot springs with us naked."

"I'll be joining you next time, un." Deidara piped up eyeing Sakura.

Sakura just blinked at all of them in momentary confusion.

"Well," Pein coughed to gain attention, "You'd best get back to training today."

"Sure." Sakura shrugged. "Kisame mentioned something about you guys training us."

"Yes." Pein nodded. "Itachi will take over Sasuke's training, but I was unsure who would best suit you and Naruto."

"Well I have no idea about Naruto but for the past few years all I've really focused on is my medical knowledge and skills. I have average taijutsu and am better at defence then offence. Other then that my list of ninjutsu is almost nil. I do know some Genjutsu though."

"I'm better with Ninjutsu." Naruto said plopping down along with Tobi, holding a huge bowl of ramen. "But I also work on seals in my spare time. My taijutsu is average in strength and whatnot but I don't have a set style. I don't use any weapons well either. And I'm not a strategist. I use brute strength to win my fights. And I'm absolutely horrible in Genjutsu and chakra control."

"What is your elemental alignment?" Pein asked.

"I'm earth." Sakura answered.

"Wind." Naruto said around his noodles.

"Lightening." Sasuke hissed, eyes never leaving his brother who was smirking just slightly. .

"Well then, I'll send Sakura with Sasori."

Sasori's smirk grew and Sakura gave a bare nod. Naruto eyed the red head and muttered 'pervert' under his breath.

"And Naruto, well…Hmm."

Pein pondered it for along moment. He was trying to decide who could best teach Naruto and who wouldn't kill him out of annoyance and impatience.

"I'll train you myself."

"Really?" Naruto perked up. "Take that Sasuke! I get Akatsuki's leader as my sensei! Nah!"

He made a face at the hissing boy.

"While I am the leader it does not mean I am the strongest." Pein said easily. "I am the most organized and took the role because I was best suited. And because I sorta made this whole organization. Itachi could give me a run for my money in a fight though."

"Aww." Naruto pouted.

"Ignore him." Konan said. "He is being modest. Out of everyone here only Itachi could actually give him a challenge."

As no one refuted it they took her word for it.

"So when can we start?" Naruto asked excitedly.

"After breakfast." Pein said.

"Konan?" Sakura called.

"Yes?" Konan asked.

"Do you know anywhere I can buy some clothes? When someone abducted me they didn't give me time to grab my stuff." Sakura glared at Kisame.

"Following orders." He defended, hands raised in surrender.

"Ah, yes, I had forgotten." Pein sighed. "Do you need to get anything Naruto, Sasuke?"

"I carry a scroll on me with all my stuff all the time." Naruto said between mouthfuls of ramen. "We move a lot and Jiraya gets impatient so I just carry everything."

"Same." Sasuke said. "Fangirls would steal it and I switched rooms every second night to throw them off."

Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Well I have to work at the hospital everyday and scrolls get in the way. I only had my wallet because Ino had tried to borrow some money off of me earlier and I wouldn't have put it past her to snitch my wallet when I wasn't looking."

"I'll take you to a store I know that is good." Konan said.

"Thank you."

"_I have an objection."_

Everyone blinked and glanced up at Zetsu.

"Yes Zetsu?" Pein asked.

"_I understand why we captured Uchiha and Uzumaki. They both have much potential and would be useful to this organization. But I do not think we should have gotten the girl. Other than some medical skills and her teacher, she is a no name weak ninja."_

Naruto froze. Sasuke froze. Sasuke then bolted under Itachi's confused gaze, running out of the kitchen at ninja speed. Naruto hugged his ramen protectively and grabbed Tobi, dragging him to the far end of the room as if shielding him.

"Good luck!"

"What?" Pein asked in confusion at their actions.

And then a wave of killer intent slammed down on them all. Even Pein and Itachi buckled slightly under the pressure. The light in the room seemed to dim and the shadows on the wall flicker from the blaze of flames. Sakura, who's head was now bowed, stood slowly, swaying as if off balance.

"What did you call me?" She asked softly.

"**A weak no name ninja." **Zetsu answered with a vindictive smirk obviously just out of range of the heavy aura.

Sakura looked up and even Pein drew back at her expression of utter hatred. Her eyes were flashing dangerously and her lips were pulled back in a parody of a grin that showed far too many teeth. It was one of the most terrifying things Pein had ever seen.

"That's what I thought plant boy."

Before they could blink she had wrapped her hand round his throat and slammed him into the wall hard enough to send cracks webbing out behind him. Zetsu made a strangled sound as he gripped her wrist, frantically trying to get her off.

"If you ever call me weak again." Sakura said lowly in a dangerous whisper. "I will rip your balls of and shove them down your throat. Then I will gouge your eyes out and cut your tongue off. Next I'll surgically removed a kidney and your appendix while I have you frozen but not sedated. Then I'll hang you up and cut you enough to make your bleed. I'll let you slowly bleed to death until you're on the cusp of death. Then I will rip your spine out and strangle you with it. Do you understand?"

The words were practically purred out, each wrapping skilfully around the listeners in the room, full of promises of pain and death. Pein shuddered and couldn't stop the soft trembling in his hands. The others seemed to be just as affected. Except Sasori. He was staring at her with what Pein would almost call an adoring expression. Zetsu made an odd sound in the back of his throat that could have been a whimper or a last attempt at breathing.

"Do. You. Understand?" Sakura hissed.

He made a whimpering noise and she dropped him. She spun and faced the table again. Everyone drew back slightly at her snarl, flames seemingly dancing about her and death in her darkened jade eyes. Pein could almost swear there was a much larger darker shadow behind her, cackling with glee. Near everyone cringed away from the petite medic ninja.

"Anyone else have a problem with me?"

They all shook their heads, some even as if they were afraid, quick and vicious.

"Good."

And like that she took a one eighty. The flames vanished, the shadows shrunk, the lights turned back up to full, and the air about her was light and airy.

"Oh, I'm sorry for interrupting breakfast." She smiled, softly, in a polite way.

She gave a polite bow and offered Konan and Sasori a smile that was filled with expectation.

"Can we go to this shop Konan said before I start my training?"

The two gave slight nods.

"Thank you." She smiled and turned, stepping out of the room gracefully.

"What," Pein started, "Was that?"

"Sakura's got multi-personality disorder." Naruto said as he and Tobi returned to the table, unshaken as they had been out of the blast range.

"Her medical report says nothing of that." Pein frowned.

"You got those too? Man you're good." Naruto grinned. "But no, it wouldn't be there because she's never had to have a psych examination. You get them after B-rank or higher missions and she's never been on one besides our first C-rank turned A-rank but then she was a bit better then. Besides that, she's the Hokage's apprentice, no one's going to gossip about it."

Zetsu made a strangled noise from where he sat slumped against the wall.

"You okay Zetsu?" Tobi asked concerned.

"**I think I'm in love."** His darker side whispered.

"_What a wonderful woman."_ His lighter side sighed wistfully.

"**We must have her."**

Everyone twitched.

"Wow, that's creepy." Naruto noted. "At least Sakura keeps all conversations with her second personality inside her head."

.-.

"Wow, they do have good clothes." Sakura smiled as she twirled in an outfit she tried on.

"We sell bad-ass clothes for all bad-ass ninja." The girl at the counter grinned. "Why not look bad-ass as you kick ass and take over the world, demanding everyone's respect?"

That was creepy. She'd heard Naruto say almost the exactly same thing about his jumpsuit.

"You'll also be given a cloak." Konan said. "They're very nice cloaks actually. Though they look restricting it's actually quite easy to fight in them. They also help conceal weapons and are warm but cool in warm areas. And they're water proof to a degree."

"Do I get one of the cool hats too?" Sakura asked.

"Yes."

"Cool."

Sakura returned to the change room and changed into her favourite outfit so far: A skin tight red tank top, spandex black shorts and a medic skirt over the shorts. She also wore her heels and a medic lab coat from before.

When she was dressed she walked out with the outfits she'd chosen and paid the girl before sealing them in a scroll and heading back to base with Konan.

.-.

**End of Chapter 4**


	5. Gift Baskets

**CHAPTER 5**

**GIFT BASKEST**

.-.

AU: I'm not sorry for the crack but I do apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors.

.-.

"This is awesome!" Naruto shouted as he was blasted into the air by Pein's attack.

He flipped midair and landed on the side of a building. Three seconds later he was gone as another attack smashed into the wall he had been. It seems this whole city was made to withstand battles and such as the wall didn't even crack.

Naruto flipped midair again and fell on Pein from above. Pein easily dodged and kicked him into a wall. Naruto groaned but was up and healed in seconds.

'**I just healed a ruptured internal organ.**' Kyuubi said absently.

"Well at least he's not holding back." Naruto said cheerfully to himself.

No one had ever taken him this serious before. To Naruto, this was respect. Pein was saying he thought Naruto could stand against such strength and he wasn't holding back because he didn't think Naruto weak. Naruto leapt at the man again hands flying into a familiar sign. Twenty five clones appeared surrounding the man in a circle, each making their own hand signs.

"Futon: Atsugai no jutsu!" Half of the clones called out, huge gusts of wind appearing and heading towards Pein like a hurricane.

"Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu!" The second half called, fire spewing forth.

The second attack of fire was much weaker as Naruto hadn't gotten it quite down yet, but it worked great with the huge winds flaring it up and making a hurricane of fire heading at Pein. Pein looked surprised and for a brief moment Naruto thought he had won. Then the man made his own hand signs and a huge twister of wind sprung up around him. Naruto's own attack was absorbed into it turning it into a raging fire twister.

Then Pein did something, Naruto had no idea what, that sent the Hurricane flaring out in all directions as if hit by a shock wave. Naruto gave a yelp and his clones quickly jumped in front of him, protecting him from most of the blast. He was still thrown back with burns that started healing as soon as he got them. He hit the ground hissing. Pein appeared right in front of him.

"That's good enough for now. That was a good combination of jutsus you did earlier."

"Kick-ass, wasn't it!" Naruto grinned at the compliment.

When he'd shown Jiraya the man had muttered about him having a dangerous weapon that could set Konoha on fire if he wasn't careful.

Pein raised an eyebrow at his quick recovery. He hadn't held back that much and had half expected the boy to be unconscious and severely hurt. He filed it away for later.

.-.

"How did training go?" Pein asked as Sasori, Sakura, Itachi, and Sasuke entered the kitchen.

Naruto was cooking something on one of the stoves so Sakura and Sasuke sat down immediately but Itachi and Sasori walked to their cupboards to get some dinner first.

"Good." Sasori answered first. "She is skilled in taijutsu. She learned Tsunade's monstrous strength. She also has very refined control and large chakra reserves for a kunoichi."

"Itachi?" Pein asked.

"He is better than I last saw him." Itachi said. "Good with a sword and lightening jutsu. His speed is good also."

"How did Uzumaki-san do?" Sasori asked idly as he sat in a chair.

"Good." Pein said easily. "I have a few questions for you though Sakura as you've known Naruto the longest, from a medical angle."

"Yes?" Sakura asked as she sat down.

Pein saw she was holding a plate of rice, stir-fried vegetables, and some kind of sauce on some pieces of meat. It smelled really good.

"I had not known Uzumaki could cook."

"Neither did we." Said Sakura.

Naruto sat beside her babbling about something do with ramen and flavours and something Kyuubi had said.

"I wished to know how advanced his healing is." Pein said. "Reports say they're very high, but how high are they?"

"How about an example." Suggested Sakura cheerfully.

Then before anyone could stop her she had grabbed a kunai and stabbed the babbling Uzumaki in the throat. He made a gurgling sound and collapsed under the table.

For a moment there was silence as everyone started in shock. Only Sakura calmly ate another bite of her food.

"Quite being a drama queen Naruto." She said around a bite of food.

A hand slapped the table startling them. Then Naruto pulled himself up, blood staining the whole front of his jacket. She'd obviously severed an artery. He gave a wet hacking cough that made a few wince. Then he spit out a glob of blood onto his food. He opened his mouth and mouthed something but no sound emerged. He frowned and ripped the kunai out sending a spray of blood onto the table. Sasori made an odd frown and wiped some off his cheek.

He hissed and before their eyes the wound healed up.

"I was not being a drama queen." He pouted, voice uneven. "Kyuubi had to heal an artery, my jugular, and my voice box."

Sakura rolled her eyes. He grabbed a napkin and wiped some blood from his face before digging into his food, not even blinking at his own blood that soaked it.

"What can Kyuubi heal?" Pein asked.

"Anything really." Naruto shrugged. "He healed all the burns and the ruptured kidney you gave me today."

Pein blinked then nodded. He made a note to work on the boy's defence. If such obvious attacks had gotten through then he needed work.

"He even healed my heart after Sasuke shoved a Chidori into my chest and destroyed half of it and a lung."

For a moment there was silence.

"I thought you were friends." Konan said.

"We are." Naruto said cheerfully.

"We aren't." Sasuke said at the exact same time.

"Saaaaasukeeeeee!" Naruto whined.

Sasuke just sent him a glare. Naruto grinned and fished a Ginger Snap from his pocket. He held it up. Seconds later it was gone.

"Ow! You bastard!" Naruto yelped holding his hand. "You bit me."

Sasuke just chewed on the gingersnap.

.-.

In Konoha

.-.

"And that's the situation." Tsunade sighed.

The whole council was silent.

"Should we send them something maybe?" One asked. "Like a fruit basket?"

"I guess." Another muttered.

"Make sure to put in your next letter to them that council of Konohagakure will be ever thankful to Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Sasuke, and … Uzumaki Naruto," Naruto's name sounded like poison, "For their brave sacrifice to stop the Akatsuki. We will honour them by allowing their names to be put on the monument should they die for their help in getting a neutral treaty with Akatsuki and by handing themselves over as sacrifices for said treaty. And send them one of those nice gift baskets with the wrapping and the ribbon."

Then everyone dispersed. Tsunade watched them go with a solemn expression. When the last one left and the soundproof doors shut she burst out laughing.

"They all looked so shocked." She giggled.

"So I'm taking it that wasn't true."

She blinked through her laughter and looked up to find Nara Shikaku, Yamanaka Inoichi, Akimichi Chouza , Inuzuka Tsume, Aburame Shibi, and Hyuuga Hiashi.

"Huh? You're still here?"

"Yes Lady Tsunade." Tsume answered with amusement.

"Oh, well, to your 'statement' no it wasn't true."

"So we do not have neutral treaty with Akatsuki?" Hiashi frowned.

"Actually we do." Tsunade said. "But they didn't come to us with the offer for a neutral treaty in exchange for 'Team seven'. They abducted the members of Team Seven and blackmailed them into it."

"Blackmailed?" Inoichi scowled.

"What about Kyuubi?" Shibi asked monotone. "We are giving them what they want?"

Tsunade shook her head.

"Akatsuki has changed its goals from what I learned." She said. "They aren't after the bijuu anymore. I have no idea what their new goals are but they kidnapped 'Team Seven' because of their strength and potential."

For a long moment there is silence.

"Are we allowed to let this information out?" Hiashi asked.

"Yes."

"I must go tell my daughter then."

Tsunade swore she saw a flash of unease in his eyes.

"Hinata was it? She's the girl who liked Naruto."

"Yes." Hiashi nodded tensely.

"She's going to rip you apart for every detail Hiashi." The Inoichi smirked.

Hiashi nodded almost nervously.

"Actually, I'm going to inform Neji, and he will inform Hinata. She has a soft spot for him. When she snaps she probably won't hurt him as much."

"Hmm. Snap you say?" Tsunade asked idly.

"She's at the breaking point." Tsume said.

Everyone nodded agreement.

"I've bet twenty on when she snaps she'll turn into a swearing spitfire." Tsume grinned.

"I already have ten on her attacking Hiashi outright to relieve all the pent up anger at him." Inoichi smirked.

"Already have twenty five on her attacking Hiashi, then slapping the Hyuuga council in the face with something, then slapping Neji, then storming off to train while formulating a plan to ensnare Naruto in her clutches." Shikaku smirked.

"Hmm. Hiashi."

"Yes Hokage-sama?"

"Send her to my office tomorrow please. Around nine in the morning or so. I'm in need of another apprentice."

"Of course Lady Tsunade."

Tsunade felt a mischievous smirk take over her face.

.-.

In Ame

.-.

"Hey Pein!"

"Yes Naruto?"

"What day is it?"

"Tuesday the twenty second."

"Hmm."

"Why?"

"I just had the feeling something is going to happen that involves me. I was wondering if I had forgotten any important dates or anything."

"Hm."

"How long have we been here again?"

"By 'you', you mean by you, Sakura, and Sasuke? Close to three weeks now."

"Oh, okay then. What were you saying before that?"

Pein gave a long sigh.

.-.

In Konoha

.-.

"Yes, that's perfect." Hinata hissed with a smirk. "Then he'll have no choice but to love me! Mwhahaha!"

"What did I tell you?" Shikaku smirked from where he stood with the other clan heads.

"Damn brainy bastard." Tsume hissed handing over the money.

"You bet on that?" Hanabi blinked in surprise from where she stood beside them watching the carnage.

"Yes." Inoichi agreed.

"And Shikaku got it right on the dot."

Shikaku glanced about the Hyuuga compound and smirked as he saw the unconscious form of Hiashi, Neji walking around with a huge red hand print on his face, and the Hyuuga council staring in numb shock at the plotting Hinata.

"What did she do to the council?" Tsume asked Hanabi.

"They had me and Hinata spar today saying the winner would be heiress of the Hyuuga clan. Hinata had been simmering after hearing the news of Naruto and beat me hands down. Then she marched up to the council demanded that I not be given the Caged Bird seal. Then she said she was hiring Jiraya of the Sanin, using Hyuuga coffers, to find a way to permanently remove the caged bird seal so that they could integrate the branch family into the main one so we could be one happy family. When one tried to say no she Jyuuken'd him in his 'happy place'."

"I love it when I win a bet _and_ get to watch most of the carnage." Shikaku smirked.

.-.

In Ame

.-.

"Achoo!"

"Bless you." Pein said idly.

"I have the oddest feeling that someone's plotting something about me." Naruto said absently.

"You have senses for that too?" Sakura snorted.

"Yes."

She rolled her eyes.

"Now as I was saying." Pein continued, "You three will be going on your first missions tomorrow."

"Really? Awesome!" Naruto cheered.

"Not together or alone though." Konan added. "Can't have you running off."

"Gotcha." Naruto said jollily.

"Sasuke you will be going with Itachi on an assassination mission."

Sasuke hissed at him but Itachi nodded.

"Sakura, you're going with Sasori."

"_I'm going with them._" Zetsu said suddenly.

"Hmm? Well I guess that would be okay." Pein smirked in amusement as he saw Sasori and Zetsu glare at one another over Sakura's head from where they sat on either side of her.

For a moment everyone paused to watch as Sasori slipped his chair closer to her and Zetsu gave a growl.

"**Back away puppet boy."** Zetsu spat.

"No, cannibal." Sasori said flippantly.

"Now guys, can't we get along?" Sakura asked innocently.

"Yes Sakura." they both chorused, ending the fight as they gave her adoring looks.

"Wow," Naruto blinked. "She attracts all the freaks everywhere she goes."

"_What do you say_?" Zetsu spun to his at him.

"Um, nothing, I never called you a freak!" Naruto denied.

"No, he means what do you mean everywhere?" Sasori asked eyes narrowing slightly.

"Um, well Rock Lee, the fuzzy-eyebrow spandex-wearing kid, likes her. And for a while Kankuro really liked her and he wears purple make-up and a cat outfit."

The two narrowed their eyes as Sakura just blinked in confusion. Sasuke just snorted.

"Hey wait a minute." Naruto blurted out blinking. "What about me?"

"You're going with Konan and Kisame."

"Huh? Why two?" Naruto asked.

"Konan will keep an eye on you both as I don't trust Kisame not to try and murder you out of annoyance."

"But you trust Sasuke with the clan-massacrering-brother he swore to kill?"

"Yes."

"Oh." Naruto blinked.

"For now, get some rest and pack up." Pein waved idly. "Oh, and there are some gift baskets form Konoha for you in your rooms."

.-.

THE END OF CHAPTER 5


	6. The First Mission

Chapter 6 : The First Mission

.-.

.-.

"So what are we doing?" Naruto asked cheerfully as he skipped alongside Kisame and Konan.

"We're retrieving a scroll from an Iwa-nin." Konan answered monotone.

"Neato."

Then he paused thoughtfully.

"You know what? We should have a cool team name." Naruto declared. "We should be Team Blue or something."

"Team Blue?" Konan raised a brow even as Kisame frantically made signs not to ask or get involved.

"Well Kisame's blue, and you have blue hair, and I have blue eyes." Naruto explained. "Personally I think my eyes are the best shade of blue here. What do you think Kisame? Aren't my eyes a pretty shade of blue?"

He fluttered his lashes at the shark-nin who just shuddered and avoided looking at him.

"And what's up with your sword Kisame?" Naruto asked as bounced along side the ninja. "I mean isn't the point of a sword to cut things with? But you said yours shaves. Do you use it to shave in the morning? Do you even need to shave? Wouldn't it be easier to use a razor? I mean your swords cool and all but that's pretty dangerous. You shouldn't be using your sword for such menial tasks anyways? How about I buy you a razor in the next village and you promise not to shave with your sword anymore?"

"I don't shave with my sword!" Kisame hissed through clenched teeth.

"You don't?" Naruto asked suspiciously. "I thought you said did."

"No you little bastard. You came up with that idea all on your own, I never said anything like that!"

"Oh, okay then."

The silence that returned lasted about two minutes.

"So Konan, what's with the flower in your hair? Did Pein give it to you? Cause I mean like he seems pretty familiar with you. So is he your boyfriend? You should tell him not to give you paper flowers. I mean the hair piece is nice an all but he should give you some actual flowers."

"It's a piece of origami I made." Konan said brushing off everything else.

"You make origami?" Naruto perked up. "I can only make paper airplanes. I once made a hundred using explosive tags. Of course they were just the stupid weak ones you get at the academy that are about as big as a fire crackers. I launched them off the roof of a building at the secret entrance to Konoha's interrogation place. You should have seen how those guys panicked as a hundred paper airplanes exploded. It was awesome. They hunted me down after that though. Took me almost all day to throw them off my trail and grab my stuff from my apartment and move to a hidden location. They didn't let me within a mile of that place after that the bastards."

"Why did you make paper airplanes out of explosive tags?" Konan asked with a raised brow.

"Because I didn't have any paper, duh." Naruto said giving her a look that said she wasn't the brightest.

"How about I show you how to make some paper cranes." She suggested to distract him.

"Awesome!" Naruto squealed. "Can we stop for ramen when we get to the next town too?"

"Maybe."

.-.

"I'll be back in a moment." Sakura told the two Akatsuki members as she stood.

"Where are you going?" Sasori asked in a bored tone.

"There's a stream that's not to cold just a bit away." She said. "I'm going to have a bath."

"_Have fun_." Zetsu said cheerily.

She gave him a smile and vanished into the trees. Sasori and Zetsu stayed sitting across from one another with a fire between them.

"She's mine." Sasori said suddenly, tone still bored.

"**I beg to differ."** Zetsu bared his sharp teeth.

"I get what I want." Sasori said absently, dismissing his claim.

"_True love will prevail!"_ Zetsu spat.

"I'll snatch her from right under your nose." Sasori smirked almost smugly.

"**I'd like to see you try."** Zetsu said haughtily.

"Won't take much effort." Sasori leaned back with a smirk. "What have you got that I don't?"

"**We're bipolar like her."**

"Ah," Sasori grinned like a Cheshire cat, "But I have the looks, the experience, the charm. And I'm her sensei. I'm already close to her. You won't win this."

"**I have a real body." ** He hissed vindictively.

Sasori flinched at the taunt and could almost hear the words 'supper effective' ring through the air. Zetsu gave a hiss of glee and Sasori sneered at him. They sat in silence, sizing one another up, until Sakura returned in her skin tight black shorts and skin tight red shirt. Her short hair dripped slightly. She was twitching unhappily, a scroll clenched in her fist.

"What's the matter?" Sasori asked calmly while looking her up and down.

"I was sneezing the whole time. I guess the water was colder than I thought. Or someone was talking about me, which I doubt. Other then that I can't seem to find my tent." She growled. "And it's supposed to rain."

Zetsu cursed himself wildly in his head for not bringing a tent. The weather didn't affect him the same as normal people so he didn't bother with a tent.

"You can stay with me in my puppet." Sasori offered, shooting a smirk at the glaring Zetsu. "He is water proof and there is room for a second person.

"Thanks Sasori." Sakura beamed.

Sasori sent the plant man a look of victory while Zetsu wordlessly snarled at him. Zetsu didn't notice the chakra strings of Sasori's tossing the scroll holding Sakura's tent in the fire.

.-.

"A room please." Itachi said monotone, laying the money on the counter.

"O-of course sir." The man at the counter squeaked and practically threw the key at Itachi. "Room 34. E-enjoy your stay."

Itachi gave a cut nod and grabbed the leash that was attached to Sasuke. Sasuke cursed him through the gag shoved in his mouth. Itachi ignored him and headed for the stairs, dragging the bound Sasuke behind him. Sasuke cursed viciously as he felt himself pulled up each step. 'Perhaps I shouldn't have pushed him.' Sasuke thought as his back jarred against a stair painfully.

.-.

"Hey, isn't this a casino?" Naruto asked curiously.

"It is a casino attached to a hotel." Konan intoned.

"What are we doing here though?"

"We're spending the night. Then we will scour the city for our target."

"Oh, Okay."

"Hey kid," Kisame smirked, "Ever try gambling?"

"Well this once." Naruto shrugged. "I mean I just found a coin on the ground and popped it in a slot machine."

Kisame felt his smirk widen. Here was some revenge for the annoyance he'd been forced to deal with. Introduce the kid to gambling and make him loose lots of money.

"Actually, this could work in our favour." Konan said grabbing their attention.

They followed her gaze to find their target playing a game of poker.

.-.

"Mission complete." Itachi intoned monotone as he stood over the corpse of the target.

"Mph."

"Yes, it was very well done." Itachi said.

"Urgh."

"No, I will not untie you. And no, I will not take the gag off. You must learn to behave yourself."

Sasuke shot a glare of death at him, still bound head to toe.

"We will be stopping in the village two kilometres to the west before heading back to base." Itachi said.

"Mph."

"No, I will not sit still and allow you to murder me."

"Urgh!"

.-.

"Well. That was fun." Sakura said as she sat on a stump, filing her nails.

"Yes, yes it was." Sasori smirked from where he sat next to her on his puppet.

"_I'm going to grab a bite to eat before we head off."_ Zetsu said. "**Now, which enemy ninja looks tastier?"**

"I would take that guy over there." Sakura said pointing with her file.

The two stared at her.

"What?" She frowned. "He's the healthiest and he's pretty young so he would have good muscles and that's what you would eat."

"_**Huh."**_ Zetsu blinked then grabbed said corpse.

"I thought you would be uncomfortable with cannibalism." Sasori said eyeing the pinkette.

"Nah, I've seen worse habits." She shrugged buffing her nails against her shirt. "My own bad habit is messing with the person medically while we fight until their own body gives out. Then I like to examine the corpse for secrets before burning it."

"I think I love you." Sasori said dreamily.

Sakura just continued filing her nails.

.-.

"H-how did you do that?" Kisame asked in a daze.

"Huh? I didn't do anything. I don't even get how you play this stupid game." Naruto frowned from where he was scraping his winnings in at the Poker table.

"Let's go." Konan said ignoring the crying Kisame and the now rich Naruto. "I grabbed the scroll while the Iwa-nin was busy trying to beat you."

"Okay, let me just take this to the counter." Naruto grinned.

He soon cashed in all his chips. Kisame, intent on seeing Naruto loose dragged him off to a slot machine before they left.

"You can't win at slots." He said smugly. "It's impossible."

Naruto shrugged and popped a coin in. Pulling the lever he watched the whirling bars stop. Suddenly lights and a siren went off above him. A man came scurrying over.

"Ah, sir! You've won the grand prize." He squeaked. "A fully paid week long trip to the capital of Snow country."

"Can I get it in cash?" Naruto asked.

"Yes sir!"

"W-what? H-how?" Kisame gaped dumbly as Naruto sealed even more money in his scroll.

"Give it up Kisame." Konan rolled her eyes. "He's obviously lucky."

"Kyuubi says I've got to be favoured by a god because even he's never seen someone so lucky." Naruto grinned cluelessly.

Kisame just sobbed.

.-.

.-.

"So, did all the missions go well?" Pein asked as everyone sat at the meeting table.

"Perfect." Itachi said monotone.

"Mph!"

"Please untie and un-gag Sasuke, Itachi." Pein said absently.

"Yes sir."

As soon as he was free of his binds Sasuke leapt at Itachi, sword out. Itachi held up a bag of Ginger Snaps. Seconds later Sasuke was back in his seat cramming them in his mouth.

"Wow, you're a ginger snap bitch." Naruto grinned.

Sasuke shot him a glare.

"Our mission went fine." Sasori said.

"_Yes, fine."_ Zetsu snarled.

"Don't feel jealous." Sasori smirked. "She only spent the night beside me for five nights."

A silent snarl was his response.

"And you?" Pein asked 'Blue Team'.

"It was awesome." Naruto grinned. "Konan taught me a bunch of origami and we had some ramen in this one town that was pretty good, but not as good as Tobi's."

"Hail Ramen." Tobi nodded.

"Hail ramen." Naruto returned. "Anyways then we found our guy in a casino and Konan snitched the scroll while I distracted the guy."

"How did you distract him?" Pein asked in half interest.

His answer was Kisame laying his head in his arms and crying.

"Kisame tried to get Naruto-kun to lose a bunch of money." Konan said deadpanned. "Backfired. Naruto won a small fortune."

"Yup!" Naruto grinned smugly. "I'm set for the next year."

"You just don't challenge Naruto to games of luck." Sakura said from where she was idly painting her nails purple. "He's luck is so good the council in Konoha was considering calling it a bloodline."

"Let's see, un." Deidara grinned from where he was next to Naruto.

Deidara lost spectacularly in the next eleven games of 'rock, paper, scissors'.

"Wow, that's creepy, un. I even cheated."

"You can cheat at fucking 'rock, paper, scissors'?" Hidan snorted.

"You can cheat at anything." Naruto said sagely.

.-.

"About your luck."

Naruto gave a nervous smile as he stared up at Kakuzu. The man was staring at him intensely, black thread like things holding him from running.

"What about it?" He asked, voice breaking under the intense stare.

"How do you feel about donating it to me?"

"Um, I'm not sure it's something that can be donated."

"I meant your time." The man hissed.

"Yes, sir, I'd be glad to sir!" Naruto squeaked.

"Hey!"

They both turned around to find Sakura marching over.

"I've already claimed his luck."

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed.

"Five." He said after a moment.

"Fifty." She shot back.

His eyes narrowed even more and the threads started to move in an almost threatening way. The ones around Naruto's neck, holding him in place, started to strangle. Naruto choked as he tried to get away. Sakura just glared back and strengthened her KI.

"Eight.

"Forty five."

"Ten."

"Forty.

"Fifteen."

"Thirty."

"Sixteen."

"Thirty.

"Seventeen and a half."

"Thirty and a free cooked meal."

Kakuzu paused, visibly thinking and Sakura smirked. She'd seen him eat only instant food. He didn't know how to cook and no one was really willing to share around here. Only Tobi shared his ramen and only with Naruto because Naruto was a fellow Ramenite. The masked man didn't even share with Sakura anymore.

Naruto was turning blue from air loss.

"Twenty and two meals."

"Twenty five and three meals."

"Deal."

"Done."

They shook hands. Naruto finally freed himself of the constricting threads, gulping in air.

"What was that?" He choked out.

"We were discussing the winnings." Kakuzu said.

"I get twenty five percent of your winnings." Sakura smirked. "And you will go along won't you Naruto?"

"Yes ma'am." He squeaked under her predatory smirk.

"I'll expect the first of those meals tomorrow for dinner." Kakuzu said. "For now, we are going to the casino. Right Uzumaki?"

"Yes sir!" Naruto squeaked once more.

Maybe he should have thought more about joining Akatsuki. He already dealt with a homicidal team-mate and a psycho team-mate, now he was with an organization full of them. Then again, Tobi's ramen made up for most of it.

.-.

.-.

End of Chapter 6


	7. Evil Plans that Might Have Worked

_IMPORTANT AU: So there is some __supremely mild__ slash in this chapter. Nothing is described, only hinted at (no lemons). And for further reference not every pairing I make in this story is going to be slash, I'm going to have a lot of hetro couples and some simply weird ones. _

.-.

Chapter Seven: Evil Plans That Might Have Worked

.-.

"What is this?"

Everyone paused in the middle of eating their dinners to look up at Naruto who was soaked and wild looking. In his fist was a piece of paper.

"Ramen festival." Konan read.

"Why didn't anyone tell me this was here and has been so for ten years?" Naruto hissed.

"Never thought of it." Pein shrugged.

"Oh!"

Everyone glanced at Tobi.

"Tobi remembers that!" he said thoughtfully. "Or, Tobi remembers Madara's memories of it. Madara took up ramen cooking because he was bored and got drawn into the Cult of Ramen. He decided to host said festival every year as a tribute to the Holy Ramen, and to at the same time lure you here. He'd learned of you fixation with it and knew if you got wind of the festival you would come. I guess you never got wind of it."

"This Madara guys doesn't sound like a bad guy." Naruto said rubbing his chin. "I mean he was a fellow Ramenite and he made a whole festival for ramen. But then again he also wanted Kyuubi sucked out of my gut into a giant statue over a three day period of immense pain that would leave me dead. I guess I'd have to say I feel pretty neutral about him as a whole. The good and the bad sort of cancel one another out. Too bad I didn't meet him."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Tobi jumped up and down, hand waving. "Tobi still have a bunch of his memories. It's how Tobi became a Ramenite."

"Hail ramen."

"Hail Ramen."

"So was he evil?" Naruto asked as everyone returned to eating and he slid between Tobi and Deidara.

"Not really." Tobi shrugged. "He was a bit Melodramatic but not evil. Not really. I mean he wanted to destroy the moon and become a god and kill a bunch of people, but that's not really evil."

Everyone gave him funny looks.

"I mean he only wanted to gain the ultimate power and take over the world! Enslaving everyone in the process! Mwhahahahaha!" Tobi broke out in evil laughter, fingers bent and head thrown back.

There was a long moment of silence as Tobi realized everyone was staring and slowly stopped laughing.

"Whoops." He chuckled sheepishly. "Sometime Tobi gets a bit carried away with his memories."

Everyone stared at him a moment longer. He blushed, though you couldn't tell with the mask. Slowly everyone returned to their meals.

"So when's the festival?" Naruto asked.

.-.

"Where should we start?!" Naruto crowed as he jumped up and down, clapping his hands together like an eager child.

"How about over there!" Tobi said just as excited pointing to a flashy ramen stand.

They were both gone in a flash. Pein rolled his eyes. He personally knew Naruto had snuck out to a casino more then once realizing it was a good source of income for someone with his luck. The boy wouldn't run out of money for the ramen at least. Pein did not want to listen to whining about not enough cash for ramen. Tobi did it too often. Of course then he'd go on a quick mission, earn the money and get his precious ramen.

"I'm going to go try some of those game stands." Sakura announced sashaying off in her fitted kimono of blood and burgundy reds.

Sasori and Zetsu followed her with adoring looks, glares shot at one another. Sasuke muttered something under his breath and slunk off. Everyone else had already vanished except for Deidara who pouted next to Pein, eyeing Sasori walk away.

"It's no fair, un." He pouted. "I've been his partner for longer then that girl!"

"We demolished the set partners two months ago." Pein said idly.

"So! I should still have a better chance then her, un." Deidara whined as he slipped after Sasori and the other two.

Pein rolled his eyes and strode off for the bar.

.-.

"Wow!" Naruto grinned. "I'm seeing two of everything!"

"Yo-you've had too much ramen then." Tobi stumbled blinking owlishly. "B-but I'm not cruel enough to cut you off."

"Good. But maybe we should take a break before hitting every stand for the third time." Naruto suggested in a moment of intelligence.

Tobi shrugged and they stumbled off to an out of the way alcove where they plopped down and stared at the bright lights of the festival. For a long moment they shared silence as Naruto's vision slowly straightened.

"You know, this is lots of fun." Naruto announced. "Thanks for coming with me Tobi."

"And thank you for coming with Tobi." Tobi returned.

For another long moment there was silence.

"What's your dream?" Naruto asked suddenly.

"Dream?" Tobi asked.

"Yeah, dream, or goal, or ambition."

"Well Madara's was to take over the world and Obito's was to become a great ninja!" Tobi announced proudly.

"But what is Tobi's." Naruto said seriously.

Tobi blinked behind his mask and for a long moment of silence.

"Tobi….Tobi doesn't know." Tobi whispered.

"My dream is to become Hokage." Naruto said proudly. "I'm going to be strong and protect my village and earn their respect."

"You're a missing-nin now." Tobi pointed out.

"Nah! I'm an Ame-nin for an unknown amount of time, but I'll always be a leaf-nin too. Ame is a wonderful place and Akatsuki isn't that bad but….hmm. I guess there is no but, this place is pretty damn awesome and everyone treats me pretty well. . I mean I could live the rest of my life here contentedly. This will require more thought later. I'm still going to strive for my dream though! Barriers be damned!"

There was a long moment of silence.

"Tobi thinks that's a great dream."

There was another minute of silence.

"Tobi's dream." Tobi whispered softly. "Tobi thinks if he had a dream it would be to be happy with life. No large goals, just be happy. As Tobi, not as Obito or Madara."

Naruto's ears tweaked realizing the voice was clear. He turned back to look at Tobi and was shocked to see his mask in his hands. He stared at Tobi's sad smiling face and took in all his features. He looked young, no older than twenty with pale skin. There were no flaws in his face except the patch that covered one eye. His other eyes was a deep black like his hair.

"You took your mask off." Naruto blurted out.

Tobi winced.

"Should I put it back on?" He asked sadly.

"No!" Naruto winced at his own insult. "I was just surprised."

"Tobi looks silly." Tobi blushed moving to put the mask back on.

Naruto tugged it away.

"No you don't." He said resolutely. "You look really nice."

Tobi gave a soft blush. Naruto thought it made him look cute. He voiced said thoughts. Tobi blushed wildly but grinned.

"Tobi thinks Naruto looks cute too!"

"What?! I'm not cute! I'm manly and handsome!" Naruto said making a pose.

Tobi gave a giggle.

"Not at all!" He said. "Naruto is cute. You have pretty blue eyes and cute whisker marks. Everything about you screams cute."

Naruto pouted while muttering about 'not cute'.

"Tobi likes it."

Naruto glanced up at the boy…man…teen...

"Really?" Naruto blushed.

"Yes. Tobi likes Naruto." Tobi nodded.

"Well Naruto likes Tobi." Naruto grinned.

They both laughed and then Naruto stood and offered a hand to help Tobi up. Tobi took it, snapping the mask back on as he rose.

"More ramen?" Naruto asked.

"More ramen." Tobi agreed. "Until you start hallucinating again. And then we sit back down."

.-.

"Naruto?" Sakura blinked. "Huh, where has he gotten too?"

She scanned the empty half of Naruto's room.

"Didn't come back last night." Sasuke grunted slipping his sword at his waist.

"We'd better find him then." Sakura rolled her eyes.

Sasuke took this as his cue and in a quick few hand signs there was a puff of smoke and then a small vivid orange snake.

"Heya Sssasssuke!" The snake grinned with a hiss. "We going on an adventure?! Ressscuing a damsssel?! A princessss?!"

"Wow," Sakura gaped. "It's like Naruto in snake form."

"I know," Sasuke sighed morosely, "But he's my best tracker."

"Who do you want me to find?" The orange snake perked up.

"Our nuisance of an idiot/friend." Sasuke and Sakura said at the same time.

They glanced at one another then shrugged at the other's ending. The snake tasted the air of Naruto's room and started slithering. The followed the small orange creature through halls, up stairs, down other stairs, outside up a wall, in a window, outside and around the building and then back up some stairs. Finally they reached a dark green door. A small piece of orange paper read "Tobi and Zetsu's Room! (Tobi is a good boy!). There was a picture of some steaming ramen and a winking smiley face.

Sasuke knocked on the door after being assured that his summon smelt Naruto behind it. There was no answer. Another knock. No answer. They tried the door. It was locked. Sakura rolled her eyes and grabbed the door by the handle. Then proceeded to rip it off its hinges. She set it gently to the side and stepped into the room, clicking the light on. Seems she hadn't just forgotten modesty but also the idea of property and privacy. Sasuke gazed at the door for a minute with his snake as they wondered what would happen if she ever tried to rip them in half.

They shuddered and turned to the room. They stood in a narrow hall that led to an open door looking into a bathroom. On either side of the wall were open archways. One led into a green room covered in plants. The second into a darker burnt orange colored room.

They went with burnt orange room seeing as it was almost the same color as Naruto's friend's mask. Stepping into the dark room Sakura didn't hesitate to flick the lights on. The two stared at the scene. Sakura turned and flipped the lights back off. She counted to ten and turned them back on. She turned and punched Sasuke, whom fell back, hard, from the force of the 'lovetap'.

"That didn't hurt." She blinked. "It's a dream."

Sasuke moaned again and lashed out at her with his foot, which connected, forming a bruise.

"Okay, that hurt a bit. It's not a dream." Sakura admitted.

She turned back to the bed.

"Shut the light off." Naruto groaned burying his head in his pillow.

His pillow just happened to be Tobi. Who was naked. Just like Naruto. The only thing giving them any cover was a sheet that hung precariously low, the rest of the blankets having been pushed on the floor for a reason Sakura did not want to speak of.

"You're gay?" Sakura gaped at them.

"Bisexual!" Naruto snapped still half asleep.

"I'm gay." Tobi volunteered, muffled through his actual pillow.

Sakura's attention snapped to the black haired man and realized he was not wearing his mask. Unfortunately his face was buried in his pillow so she still didn't get a look.

"You know what?" Sasuke spoke suddenly. "I don't care."

Then he turned and walked off. Sakura huffed and eyed the two, a slight blush taking over her cheeks as she envisioned it. She gave a lavish giggle.

"Hey! Don't giggle like that you pervert!" Naruto yelled throwing a pillow at her.

She side stepped it and just grinned.

"_Ah! Sakura!"_

Sakura turned to find Zetsu standing with nothing but a towel around his waist and dripping wet form a shower.

"Hey, where's your plant?" She asked waving to the empty shoulders.

"_I-I can take it off!"_ Zetsu stammered, flushing.

"Neat." Sakura said stepping closer to rub his shoulders that had once been covered with giant leaves.

She knew his bloodline allowed him to merge with nature but she hadn't known that the Venus flytrap was something he had put on himself.

"You okay?" She asked in concern as she watched a flush take over his white side.

"**Yeah, fine." **He chuckled.

"Good. I'm going to go try and find Sasori now. We had a spar planned."

She turned and headed off, not noticing a now jealous and fuming Zetsu as Tobi and Naruto snickered.

.-.

End of chapter Seven


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